Moving day is in 4 days, moving is probably common for recently divorced couples, as if we needed more stress. Moving + school starting for the kids = stress!
My fear of dating the wrong guy is disappearing. I forget how prevalent grace is. I forget how He holds me in His hand and doesn’t let me get lost, how everything, everything is working towards good. I can’t mess that up! I could get married and divorced nine more times, I could marry a druggie, or an alcoholic, or be completely broke the rest of my life. I could marry a Christian who isn’t really a Christian again. There’s a part of me that feels it’s unethical to declare someone “not a Christian”. Who am I to decide that, how could God put that kind of responsibility on me, and who wants someone watching them all the time to decide if they’re really a Christian or not?
God show me the truth, and help me to obey and trust.
Why does dating feel like jumping off a cliff?
Photo by Daniele Levis Pelusi on Unsplash
Last night, I decided to go out by myself. There was a street dance in the neighboring city, and it was reggae music. I love reggae music, and was sad I couldn’t go simply because I didn’t have a guy to take me. It made me think about why I think I need to be attached to a guy to have fun, and why I needed someone else there and couldn’t have fun by myself. I’m learning to have fun by myself. I bought myself ice cream earlier in the day too, no guy suggested it. No one else handed it to me and said “eat”. All me, I am pure fun.
Like a bird who’s been let out of her cage and keeps returning to the cage simply because she doesn’t know how to live differently. One reason I keep returning to men, is because I don’t remember ever living without one. One of my favorite things about being single, is the amazing freedom, but what good is freedom if I don’t use it?
I drove by the dance about 5 times listening, wondering if I would have the courage. Then I parked (in a very well-lit very public spot), and listened. I thought, I’ll just go listen to the music, I don’t have to dance. So I went in by myself, paid the cover by myself, made a loop of the place and found a spot to sit down. It’s funny how much you notice other people who are alone when you aren’t with someone. It’s like alone-radar.
Not being alone because others are alone too. Solo people tend to take care of each other too, a woman sat by me so I didn’t feel so alone, it was nice of her.
I liked watching the people dance, some were silly… Reggae music brings pot smokers, so that was interesting, and summer nights are hot and steamy in Kansas. Lots of tie-dye and wild red/orange/green combinations.
“her story starts where it should end” ~Nothing Ever Happens
Photo Credit: Brandi Redd
So I’m really afraid I will marry poorly next time around. Choose the same kind of guy, repeat the pattern. I’ve been listening to the audiobook “Safe People”, to figure out how to avoid the crazies. I have lots of crazies in my life. Turns out, we’re sometimes attracted to the type of person we secretly want to be. I’ve lived such a strict and rigid life, that I’m attracted to men who are free, non-judgmental and irresponsible. I think I’m secretly craving to break free from some of these restraints that have been holding me in. Not the Jesus ones, still going to love and trust Him, but some of these other pressures that have been put upon me that He never required anyway. I’d rather become who I want to be than live vicariously through a man. There’s a lot of pressure in my family to look right, be super successful, and to be really frugal. Also, I have strong perfectionist tendencies that I just need a break from.
“Didn’t we all break down
didn’t we all fake
isn’t it alright now
Didn’t we all break out”
-Lisa Hannigan, Sea Song
Four Principles for the Exercise of Christian Liberty (Ligonier Ministries)
When it’s coming at you from every side.
When you don’t know if it’s worth it to fight anymore.
When right and wrong and good and evil and should and shouldn’t has been turned upside down.
Rest in Him
Go to Him
He’s got this