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Dating Tips for INFP’s

Dating, Dating after divorce, infp, Single Mom
kissing silhouette of couple

One of the most effective things I’ve done as a dating INFP, is to write about my date afterwards.  I try to write exactly what happened and what I liked and didn’t like about it.  This helps me to not idealize the relationship.  It’s also useful for looking back and seeing patterns.  I tend to idealize relationships and be incredibly forgiving of flaws because I am a healer and I don’t like conflict or hurting people.  But not ignoring little things like “he spent the entire time on his cell phone again” helps me see patterns that push me to get out of relationships that aren’t good for me.

Also, another dating tip I think is useful for the INFP personality is that it’s better to find someone who will support you in who you are and what you do than it is to find someone you’re incredibly impressed with.  If you find yourself doing all of the supporting work and not getting any in return, it might be time to find someone new, no matter how cool he is.

As an INFP, I find I’m so open-minded and curious about different people that I have no trouble finding someone to date, I truly love everyone and the more different from me they are, the more curious I am about them.  The biggest dating challenge I come across is getting out of relationships I know are not working.  It feels morally wrong to break up with someone, but this isn’t true. Finding the right person whose core values match your own is imperative for the infp because our values are such a huge part of who we are, if they don’t like our values, then they don’t really like us.

I’ve also heard that for INFP’s it is good for us to not ignore the boring guy in favor of the exciting guy because their stability allows us to be our full artistic selves, I’m not sure about this one yet. I see wisdom in it, but if there are no feelings for me, I don’t feel like the romance is authentic. He’s got to be a boring guy who creates feelings.

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Two Day Visit Boundary

Boundaries, infp, Single Mom

I’m getting better at setting boundaries. One of the problems I encounter sometimes is people don’t tell me their “boundary pushing plans” until the last minute. They try to slip it in quickly while we are separating and I’m not a quick thinker, I’m a slow, deep thinker. So I often don’t say something “in the moment”, but later am bothered. I’m learning to pay more attention to the things that bother me and not ignore them. I was able to call them later and let them know my boundaries. They were a little off put at first but later I think they may have appreciated the 2-day visiting rule. After two days, people tend to get grumpy or stressed, the politeness wears off and there’s only so much entertaining and being with people that can occur before the fun wears off, especially for introverts like me.

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INFP Weightloss Advice or Weightloss for Creative Explorer Types


are the different developmental characters for the INFP. Every personality has these same 4 characters, but they come in different orders and strength levels. Also, being extroverted or introverted changes the nuances of them a little.

Our te function is very weak. Te is the goal-oriented/does things without paying attention to feelings/gets things done function. We are good at thinking (fi) and exploring (ne), but our doing-hard-things-because-we-set-a-goal function is underdeveloped. This doesn’t mean we can’t help it get better, but it does mean we have to be smart about how we use it. A good place to begin is that we can only spend about 30% max of our day focusing on te (planning/goals) before we get burnt out and need to return to fi (thinking) and ne (exploring new things). So if you’re trying to lose weight, use your te wisely, figure out how to make exercise a routine, or do it first thing in the morning while you’re still feeling ambitious. Also, I highly recommend getting rid of all tempting foods in the home, because you are a FEELINGS person. Your feelings are going to take over, so get control in your moments of te (goals), and use it to help you later when you are in feelings mode. Hopefully you won’t feel like spending 3o minutes going to the store just because you want chocolate.

So the way I see it(based upon my personal observances), some challenges the INFP specifically runs into when losing weight are:

-we make decisions with our hearts, so although we know absolutely everything there is to know about losing weight, when it comes down to decision time…putting food in our mouths and exercising…our brains check-out and we are very likely to do what we FEEL like doing. It is difficult to feel like eating healthy and exercising. I also fell into the trap of thinking that because I knew everything about losing weight, that I was good at it: this simply was not true.

Some things that are going to kill you before you begin:
-writing down everything you eat (too much te all day long, this one is not going to last)
-a strict workout schedule that you don’t like (yeah, feelings..)
-anything you can think of to reduce your reliance on te (detail oriented, stuffy, boring, and hard) and direct it towards thinking and exploring functions instead.

Some things that are going to help you exercise:
-combining your workout with fi(thinking) or ne(exploring)
-fi(going on long thoughtful walks while listening to music or listening to a audio book)
-ne (trying new fitness classes at different gyms, exploring is so fun!)
-dancing (so much happy feeling going on here, I’m going to EXPLODE!!)
-dogs (I love dogs feelings!)
-group yoga (smells, music, feels so good)
-having a workout buddy to help keep you accountable (not an infp or an enfp, get some j in there)
-also, I think strength training is incredibly boring, so some quick push-ups before bed or lifting weights while watching tv work really well for me.
-connect your exercise with the outdoors. (I know you’re a nature person)
-mall walking (exploring)
-going to different trails on the weekends and spending hours outside (exploring…don’t forget your swimsuit!)

Some easy ways to maximize te:
-Keep a workout calendar on the wall and put X’s (for exercise) on them if you worked out that day
-get it done while you are strong and not tired
-get a coach to keep you accountable and help you with your weak areas
-freezer meals, you can make them in bulk or buy them from the store. They are so wonderful when you are hungry and don’t want to depend on your feelings to choose. (I find the ones I make fill me up better than the store-bought ones)

Personally, I think it is a huge step simply to realize that this is a weakness for you, and that’s have some great strengths :)…but to treat it like a weakness and get help, align it with a strength, or do it when you are strongest.

If you are an INFP (or any kind of P), what do you use to help you eat well and exercise?

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Becoming A Healer

beautiful glass in the light

“On the girl’s brown legs there were many small white scars. I was thinking, Do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and the moons on your dress? I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”
― Chris Cleave, Little Bee

Over at Geek Psychology, Sherman classes INFP’s as healers.

I’ve been thinking about this role as a healer and it fascinates me. Some of the conflicts I have had in different situations are clicking into place, they are beginning to form a picture.

eating healthier is more important than making people happy or entertainment purposes
having a peaceful home is more important than having a fun home
it’s okay to take on the burdens of others at the cost of myself
pain is sometimes necessary and not something to be avoided at all costs
faking happiness all the time is annoying
my super sensitivity to put-downs and sarcasm
the deep pain I feel when surrounded by conflict

All of these things have healing as a priority. They don’t define me as super uptight, but are a gift to be used.

One of the most freeing phrases someone told me about when my values conflict with someone else’s was “maybe they just can’t help it”, it’s who they are. The warriors job is to battle, the geomancer to control, the entertainer to be make happy. Whereas, my job would not be to shut them out, not to try to make them like me, but to open the door for them to learn, to invite them into my world of healing for a brief time, to set appropriate boundaries that keep it a safe, healing place. Boundaries are essential for safety which is essential for healing. They can do whatever they like in their own lives, but to enter my home means to enter my haven. A place I prepare for them with my gifts, a sanctuary….not a party. not a battlefield. accepting them and allowing them the freedom to heal. It’s a different kind of hospitality.

“The things that make me different are the things that make me.” A.A. Milne

Photo by Diego PH on Unsplash