I’ve been studying INFP’s, watching their videos on youtube. It is fascinating, like looking into a distorted mirror. I’m understanding things about myself I’ve never understood before. Beginning to see what the differences between the four different functions of my personality are and which ones I should listen to at different times.
My dominant function is introverted feeling. I know I’m an introvert, so I knew I need to allow myself alone time to recharge, but I didn’t realize how much of an essence it was to who I was overall. I was in denial of my most dominant self, insisting that I was an “efficient organizer” or a “cheerful, adaptive socializer”. But those are only sidekicks of my main personality, and instead of owning it, I would explain it away as irrational and useless…not worthy of paying attention to, but the person who I kept slipping into and not knowing why I needed to. Once I kind of “got it”. I kind of got mad at God a little, like why did you make me like this? Why can’t I have “efficient productive organizer” or “cheerful adaptive socializer” as my main personality? Why would you do this to me? Why would you create me like this?
Think Galadriel from Lord of the Rings trying to be a productive dwarf her entire life, it’s completely wrong.
My “efficient organizer” self has come out many times and is strong in my life. It is what I was taught was the acceptable way of being when I was a kid. It has shown itself when I decided to go into engineering, but then ended up dropping out after 2 years and going into music ed (my dominant) instead. I wasn’t even allowed by my parents just to go into music, it had to be music ed which was obviously a mistake. I would have made a much better performer than teacher of many.
My first career choice in middle school was to be a musical missionary, but this also got explained away as worthless and not a good goal. It feels like my life has been based on me not being allowed to be me. What if I decided that artist/writer/musician was a legitimate career choice and went for it?
This career choice of web developer feels similar to the career choice of engineering a long time ago. I can do it. It sounds peaceful, it will meet my needs, and I will be able to provide for my kids. I could even take weekends and vacations for art and music. I could feel safe, independent, and happy and eventually get creative or start my own business with it. Coding calms me down, it gives me peace, especially if I’m stressed out. Creating gives me joy though, a deep joy and energy that is worth a lot. It isn’t something I could give up. A part of me wonders if I just waited another year until my stress levels out, would I choose a braver career path?
My “efficient organizer” personality is my weakest one, and the one that I’m the worst at. It’s what I turn to in stressful situations and it repels everyone around me, turns me into a jerk. I may have spent a year there after the divorce and I wasn’t that kind to the guys I dated, refusing to rely on my feelings out of fear. I need help with this one. I really saw how weak I was in this area after dating an ENFP personality. The way he twitched the situation from a different perspective caused peace and resolution instead of conflict and walls. I don’t know how to fix this weakness of mine or if it even is fixable, but I know I need a different approach if I want to communicate my needs and not alienate those closest to me. I need help with how I resolve conflict. There is a balance I need to find, but the balance will rely more on my feelings than my judgments and I’m going to be okay with that. It’s okay to trust your feelings sometimes, instinct isn’t irrational simply because it isn’t logical.
In one video I watched, he made the point that the choice of a career isn’t black and white. There isn’t a right answer, sometimes you jump and stay with something and that’s an okay choice to make. I think this is also true with dating, I need to take the pressure of perfection off and realize there isn’t a right choice, you jump when the cards seem right and see what happens.
My superpower is that I can see very deeply into people and understand their strengths and their weaknesses. Now telling them in a positive way about what I see, that needs a lot of work, but I’m excellent at understanding people. I need to trust this about myself. This is not my “efficient organizer” self that has this ability, it’s my dominant introverted self. My organizer self tries to step in, take over, and tell people all their flaws…she needs to be shut down…or I need to put a step in between her and my mouth that seriously gentles her.
Also, focus is a big weakness of mine. I see this in my blog writing, I can’t seem to stick to a topic. I also see it in my goal setting, I can set the goal but follow through is a killer for me.
This INFP guy is really helping me… I like what he said (maybe not in this video) about switching his thinking about himself from a rogue to a healer. I don’t know how to be a healer. Kind of inspiring me to make videos. I like his Lord of the Rings references on his web page.
What is your superpower?
Photo by Heng Films on Unsplash